I've been away for a while. One can't really blog while they're away, but I was certainly without question "away." It's a strange thing, being away. Stranger still when you don't know you've been, or that you need to return at any point. But I have. And I was.
A sort of overwhelming realization hit me a couple of weeks ago, that terrified me to my very core. I looked at my life, at my relationships, at how I spent my time, and I had absolutely no idea who I was. I sat down and talked to the man, and he said he knew what I meant. We realized we only spent time with our friends when we absolutely could not spend time with each other. I realized that I've stopped painting regularly, I've stopped writing short stories, I can't even get around the city on my own without his car, or his instruction with buses. AND if I were to have a car to get around in, I wouldn't even know how to put gas in it. I've been dependent, and it's so scary.
So we decided to take a break from being a couple. Not a break-up, and not one of those typical breaks that couples take. We were still pleasant with each other, just stopped hugging, kissing, OBSESSING over one another. We forced ourselves to spend time apart. And I don't know if we've ever done anything so intelligent in our entire lives.
Within the first few days, even, I found myself with a much greater sense of individuality and independence. In the first week, I took the bus completely by myself, made a new friend, went out to a karaoke bar and sang karaoke in front of a room full of strangers! I've signed up for a hip hop dance class, I've gotten a $150 parking ticket, I sketched! What a world!
And through it all, and all of our independence and time apart it struck me harder than ever how much I loved the man, and how he was without question the one God wanted for me. I've never really felt that all encompassing feeling before, that nod from above that says "Okay, it is now safe to proceed." God told me I'd made the right decision, and I've never been happier.
The man and I have reunited on a much healthier level, we can have comfortable conversations without fighting over how we made each other sad today, we can bring ourselves happiness without each other, I'm still going out and making new friends, and he's still making time for his friends, and going to school regularly, and investing in himself.
It's really as if before we were two halves, and when we came together we made a whole. Our ignorance led us to believe that this was a healthy way to be, that love means needing someone. We were absolutely and completely wrong! In our time apart we've learned what it means to be a whole person on your own, and by coming together we are so much greater than anything we've ever been. I adore myself! I love the adventures I've been going on, the risks I've been taking, that exercises that have been stretching me far beyond my comfort zone into a strange and exciting world.
Hello, we've never met before.
I'm Holly, and it's wonderful to meet you.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Big Love
The man and I have been completely immersed in this television series lately, on the ledge of obsessed. We saw a couple of episodes on late night HBO over a couple of days, and decided we absolutely needed to see all of it! So we got a hold of the first season and we've been watching through it. I adore it! And I really don't know what the allure is, but I'm just so fascinated by all things having to do with the show!
The series "Big Love" is based around a family of Polygamists in the wholesome state of Utah. One man, played by Bill Paxton, is married to three women, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chloë Sevigny and Ginnifer Goodwin, and together with their children try to make it through every day life. The three women have very diverse personalities and traits, and very different contributions to the family. Basically, this family overcomes the obstacles involved with living a secret life, while trying to run a business, as well as deal with their dark Mormon background and live a pure and decent life free of the stereotypes that polygamy carries with it.
It's so amazing, I am just crazy about it! Don't get me wrong here, people, I'm not getting ready to convert or anything like that, but it's just so darn interesting. And the actors are just so incredible, and so funny and completely different from what I'm used to seeing. And while watching you're exposed to a lot of basic christian principles as well, and strong family values, which you really don't see a lot of on television anymore.
If you're scanning through the channels and you see it, I definitely suggest you give it the time of day because I am just thoroughly enjoying every second of it!
The series "Big Love" is based around a family of Polygamists in the wholesome state of Utah. One man, played by Bill Paxton, is married to three women, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chloë Sevigny and Ginnifer Goodwin, and together with their children try to make it through every day life. The three women have very diverse personalities and traits, and very different contributions to the family. Basically, this family overcomes the obstacles involved with living a secret life, while trying to run a business, as well as deal with their dark Mormon background and live a pure and decent life free of the stereotypes that polygamy carries with it.
It's so amazing, I am just crazy about it! Don't get me wrong here, people, I'm not getting ready to convert or anything like that, but it's just so darn interesting. And the actors are just so incredible, and so funny and completely different from what I'm used to seeing. And while watching you're exposed to a lot of basic christian principles as well, and strong family values, which you really don't see a lot of on television anymore.
If you're scanning through the channels and you see it, I definitely suggest you give it the time of day because I am just thoroughly enjoying every second of it!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
My Friend Sam
I have a friend named Sam. He comes around usually in the evenings, after the sun has bled its last drops of light onto an arid cityscape, and he's not very polite. He knocks gently on my door, and sneaks quietly in. Sometimes he's so quiet I don't even notice he's come until he's right next to me. I wish he wouldn't sneak up on me like that, but he doesn't mean to, he's trying not to disturb me.
He curls up between me and the man on the couch. In the middle of our movie, and without knowing, he forces me to lean away, inching progressively closer to the distant arm of the love seat. He whispers in my ear during the movie about how the women are skinnier than me, about how the couples are more romantic than ours, about how the characters in the movie are achieving their dreams and I'm doing nothing resembling this at all. And I tell him to be quiet, but he doesn't listen. The man would tell him to be quiet, but he doesn't really notice Sam until he starts shouting.
Sam watches me while I cook sometimes, and I don't really like it. He finds me when I'm painting sometimes, and I suddenly don't really feel like painting anymore. He's just far too distracting, and keeps me from a lot of the things I love to do. But he's my friend, and I've known him for so long that it's hard to tell him "no." I don't have the strength to ask him to leave. The man sometimes does, but I just can't do it. I've tried.
He's around the most in the winter. He obviously has nowhere else to go, and knows I'll be home, because I don't have anywhere to go either. He sort of takes on a more dominant persona in winter, because he has so much more to talk about, and I can't really run. The summer is better, because I can go out and distract myself with the sun, and the grass, and the trees. I can go to the park, or just go for a walk. Sam usually can't find me when I'm going for a summer walk. I think the sun confuses him, he's not really an outdoor kind of guy.
He always comes along when we visit the man's mother. That woman and Sam get along better than anyone I know, so he always asks to come. He usually shows up at the most peculiar times, when I really don't expect him at all (he never calls first.) I'm usually having a spectacular time, and I fantastic day, finishing a successful work day, starting a beautiful painting. Times when I just don't think company's coming, those are the times he shows up. I always ask him why he needs to come, and he never really knows. He had nowhere else to be.
The time I see him most, however, is just before bed. The evening has just transformed into night, and it's quieter in the world than it has ever been. I'm just slipping into my night gown, listening to the nothingness around me, and the light from a nearby street lamp is beaming in through my window making a single illuminated square on my carpet. And in that moment, when my eyes begin to blur, and my mind begins to wander, I hear that small familiar knock at my door and I know who it is. It's Sam. And I don't know why, but like a robot I let him in. I even let him curl up in bed with me sometimes.
I don't like to have him around. He's cruel, and he steals from me. I find things missing all the time that I could have sworn were there yesterday. He has absolutely no regard for my plans or ideas, for my preferences or personal space. He comes between me and the man, and he comes between me and myself. I would never invite him, and I would never send him to your house either, because he's completely unpleasant and a bother on the life of anyone. Some days, I know, some of his other friends don't even want to get out of bed, for fear that he may show up. I know some nights I'm afraid to go to bed, for fear of that feeling in the morning.
Did I say his name was Sam?
Oh, how silly of me. Sorry, I meant "Sad."
Have you met him?
He curls up between me and the man on the couch. In the middle of our movie, and without knowing, he forces me to lean away, inching progressively closer to the distant arm of the love seat. He whispers in my ear during the movie about how the women are skinnier than me, about how the couples are more romantic than ours, about how the characters in the movie are achieving their dreams and I'm doing nothing resembling this at all. And I tell him to be quiet, but he doesn't listen. The man would tell him to be quiet, but he doesn't really notice Sam until he starts shouting.
Sam watches me while I cook sometimes, and I don't really like it. He finds me when I'm painting sometimes, and I suddenly don't really feel like painting anymore. He's just far too distracting, and keeps me from a lot of the things I love to do. But he's my friend, and I've known him for so long that it's hard to tell him "no." I don't have the strength to ask him to leave. The man sometimes does, but I just can't do it. I've tried.
He's around the most in the winter. He obviously has nowhere else to go, and knows I'll be home, because I don't have anywhere to go either. He sort of takes on a more dominant persona in winter, because he has so much more to talk about, and I can't really run. The summer is better, because I can go out and distract myself with the sun, and the grass, and the trees. I can go to the park, or just go for a walk. Sam usually can't find me when I'm going for a summer walk. I think the sun confuses him, he's not really an outdoor kind of guy.
He always comes along when we visit the man's mother. That woman and Sam get along better than anyone I know, so he always asks to come. He usually shows up at the most peculiar times, when I really don't expect him at all (he never calls first.) I'm usually having a spectacular time, and I fantastic day, finishing a successful work day, starting a beautiful painting. Times when I just don't think company's coming, those are the times he shows up. I always ask him why he needs to come, and he never really knows. He had nowhere else to be.
The time I see him most, however, is just before bed. The evening has just transformed into night, and it's quieter in the world than it has ever been. I'm just slipping into my night gown, listening to the nothingness around me, and the light from a nearby street lamp is beaming in through my window making a single illuminated square on my carpet. And in that moment, when my eyes begin to blur, and my mind begins to wander, I hear that small familiar knock at my door and I know who it is. It's Sam. And I don't know why, but like a robot I let him in. I even let him curl up in bed with me sometimes.
I don't like to have him around. He's cruel, and he steals from me. I find things missing all the time that I could have sworn were there yesterday. He has absolutely no regard for my plans or ideas, for my preferences or personal space. He comes between me and the man, and he comes between me and myself. I would never invite him, and I would never send him to your house either, because he's completely unpleasant and a bother on the life of anyone. Some days, I know, some of his other friends don't even want to get out of bed, for fear that he may show up. I know some nights I'm afraid to go to bed, for fear of that feeling in the morning.
Did I say his name was Sam?
Oh, how silly of me. Sorry, I meant "Sad."
Have you met him?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Birthday in Pictures
1. Lunch at "Mongo's"
2. Five-Pine Bowling at "St. Vital Bowl"
3. Dinner at "Earl's"
4. Trip to the "Museum of Man & Nature" with family
2. Five-Pine Bowling at "St. Vital Bowl"
3. Dinner at "Earl's"
4. Trip to the "Museum of Man & Nature" with family
It's a small world after all.
The 19th rolled around (1 day before my spectacular champagne birthday) and I waited with bated breath to see what magic there was in store. The man told me far in advance that this was the day he would present his gift to me. I had a few guesses, a few eyes-squinted fists-clenched hopes, and when my eyes did so eagerly open I discovered the most magical gift of all.
DISNEY ON ICE baby!
Two beautiful tickets wrapped ever so delicately in a little red ribbon. I could not believe it! I'd never been to an ice show before! I remember being in grade ?2? and coming to school only to be bombarded with little spinning light-up doodads, delicate colourful programs, the most elaborate tales of princes and princesses finding true love at last (and on ice for that matter, as if love isn't tricky enough) and I remember the wonder of it all. I was so envious! I had no idea what it might be like to see an ice show!
And for my birthday the wonderful man granted me that one childhood wish. What a stud.
I had such a spectacular time, too. We had amazing seats, and could see absolutely everything from them. From the sparkling fairy tale castle at the one end, to the illuminated patterned ice beneath their twinkling skates, all the way up to the falling snow and bubbles from the darkened man-made skies. He bought me a snow cone, that I ate from the top of Stitch's opened head, coloured with rainbow stripes. Little girls with their parents slipped past us in the aisles, adorned with multicoloured princess gowns, a vision in tulle, proudly sporting their golden mickey crowns, their black round ears peaking out through their carefully curled hair. Suddenly, I felt underdressed.
The zamboni drives out onto the ice, and stops in the centre. The driver gets off, confused, as if something is wrong with the ice-mending machine. He kicks the machine's ribs a few times, and circles it. I'm on to him now. He scratches his head in an exaggerated manner, and I'm certain he's a part of the act. The next thing I know my favourite childhood characters are out on the ice attempting to repair the "broken" machine! Goofy is not much help at all.
And the rest is history. I watched the most elaborate choreography as every princess ever to hit the screen got her own moment to shine in the arms of her prince charming, I watched as Aladdin was taken aback when not one but twenty genies emerged from the smokey castle to the tune of "Never Had a Friend Like Me" to prove the genie's ultimate power, Nemo found his father, Belle saved the Beast, Mulan brought honour to her family, Woody discovered true friendship with a spaceman, even Pinocchio learned the value of ones conscience, all narrated by the fabulous duo of Mickey and Minnie. There was even a sequence celebrating the wonder of the world's cultures to the tune of "It's a small world after all" as the instruments and style of the song changed with every new culture. Ack!
It was just all so much. I was nearly driven to tears when Simba and Nala danced ever so gracefully across the ice, ending with a dramatic pose as Simba caught Nala just before hitting the ice, by her arm and back leg, illuminated by a single spotlight in the middle of the ice. Imagine "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" playing with a rhythmic African beat in the background, syncing with your very heartbeat. Breathtaking.
At the very end such joy and wonder bubbled up from inside me when the characters all marched out to wave us goodbye to "Circle of Life." My life will never be the same!
DISNEY ON ICE baby!
Two beautiful tickets wrapped ever so delicately in a little red ribbon. I could not believe it! I'd never been to an ice show before! I remember being in grade ?2? and coming to school only to be bombarded with little spinning light-up doodads, delicate colourful programs, the most elaborate tales of princes and princesses finding true love at last (and on ice for that matter, as if love isn't tricky enough) and I remember the wonder of it all. I was so envious! I had no idea what it might be like to see an ice show!
And for my birthday the wonderful man granted me that one childhood wish. What a stud.
I had such a spectacular time, too. We had amazing seats, and could see absolutely everything from them. From the sparkling fairy tale castle at the one end, to the illuminated patterned ice beneath their twinkling skates, all the way up to the falling snow and bubbles from the darkened man-made skies. He bought me a snow cone, that I ate from the top of Stitch's opened head, coloured with rainbow stripes. Little girls with their parents slipped past us in the aisles, adorned with multicoloured princess gowns, a vision in tulle, proudly sporting their golden mickey crowns, their black round ears peaking out through their carefully curled hair. Suddenly, I felt underdressed.
The zamboni drives out onto the ice, and stops in the centre. The driver gets off, confused, as if something is wrong with the ice-mending machine. He kicks the machine's ribs a few times, and circles it. I'm on to him now. He scratches his head in an exaggerated manner, and I'm certain he's a part of the act. The next thing I know my favourite childhood characters are out on the ice attempting to repair the "broken" machine! Goofy is not much help at all.
And the rest is history. I watched the most elaborate choreography as every princess ever to hit the screen got her own moment to shine in the arms of her prince charming, I watched as Aladdin was taken aback when not one but twenty genies emerged from the smokey castle to the tune of "Never Had a Friend Like Me" to prove the genie's ultimate power, Nemo found his father, Belle saved the Beast, Mulan brought honour to her family, Woody discovered true friendship with a spaceman, even Pinocchio learned the value of ones conscience, all narrated by the fabulous duo of Mickey and Minnie. There was even a sequence celebrating the wonder of the world's cultures to the tune of "It's a small world after all" as the instruments and style of the song changed with every new culture. Ack!
It was just all so much. I was nearly driven to tears when Simba and Nala danced ever so gracefully across the ice, ending with a dramatic pose as Simba caught Nala just before hitting the ice, by her arm and back leg, illuminated by a single spotlight in the middle of the ice. Imagine "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" playing with a rhythmic African beat in the background, syncing with your very heartbeat. Breathtaking.
At the very end such joy and wonder bubbled up from inside me when the characters all marched out to wave us goodbye to "Circle of Life." My life will never be the same!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
My Bloody Valentine
Valentines day!
What a ridiculous holiday, an absolute complete waste of money and time, a consumer's holiday, a candy company's joy, an unnecessary trap set for the single folks the world over, pointing a rude finger of disappointment in their direction, reminding them that they are as alone as ever, and that their lives have absolutely no meaning but to find someone who might share Valentines Day with their pathetic likes next year. That's not to mention the couples on Valentines Day, suddenly finding it essential to treat each other with the same love and respect that they ought every other day of the year, shrouded with disappointment because their significant other did not do it quite the way they were hoping, did not get them quite the sort of chocolates they were expecting, and in some cases, did not care enough to remember. A disgusting February event.
But oh how I do love it.
I look forward to it all through January.
A magical day of absolute romantic exaggeration.
The world needs more of that.
My day began with a delicious home cooked surprise Valentines breakfast from the man, seated neatly at the dining room table, an array of breakfast delights in front of him, presents strewn carefully across the centre of the table. O sweet romantic boy.
He got me a book I've been wanting for a long time from Chapters, and a beautiful, delicate pink rose, just into the stage when a flower begins falling asleep, its petals lightly dusted with the gold of old age, its head beginning to turn toward it's mother earth, its leafy arms no longer outstretched begging for love, but resting, waiting for it. He knows me far too well, what a beautiful flower.
We decided that each and every day was Valentines for us, and that we were so fortunate and so blessed to have one another in our lives, that we wanted to reach out to those who may be having a less than merry time on this Valentines Day. We decided that we didn't need an entire day to ourselves, and that we would give our evening to a greater cause. So we called up a couple of his single friends and had them over for a little Valentines party of our own, because the day is about love, and not just romantic love. It's about love for our families, our children, our friends and neighbours, our teachers, our coworkers, the clerk who asks us if we found everything we were looking for today. And it's the perfect day to remember to show love to those around us in everything we do. So that's what we did.
When they came, I discovered that they had decided exactly the theme of our little party, and that it was to be the opposite of Valentines. Now, when you think what that may be, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Love/Hate. Red/Black. Romance/Ecnamor. Whatever the case may be, I doubt you thought of this one:
Zombies.
Naturally, that's what a couple of single guys think of when they think "the opposite of Valentines." So that's what we did. We played a board game called "Last Night on Earth" where the premise is to kill as many zombies as you can before the sun comes up and the virus spreads to the world. You get to be a character, adorned with particular weapons and abilities, all the while keeping watch on the chart mapping each hour until the sun rises. It actually turned out to be a lot of fun, the game even came with its own soundtrack, adding to the suspense and mood of it all.
We flipped through the pages of "The Zombie Survival Guide" and watched "Shaun of the Dead" and "Quarantine." We also spent some time playing "Dead Rising" on one of the guys' XBOXes. It really turned out to be a lot of fun, and by the end of the evening we were all so zombie'd out that we didn't even get a moment to consider that it was Valentines Day, we were having too much fun in bizarre, incredible fellowship together.
What better way to celebrate a day of love?
Though, I wonder now, if I will forever associate Valentines Day with the flesh eating undead.
Heck, don't we all.
What a ridiculous holiday, an absolute complete waste of money and time, a consumer's holiday, a candy company's joy, an unnecessary trap set for the single folks the world over, pointing a rude finger of disappointment in their direction, reminding them that they are as alone as ever, and that their lives have absolutely no meaning but to find someone who might share Valentines Day with their pathetic likes next year. That's not to mention the couples on Valentines Day, suddenly finding it essential to treat each other with the same love and respect that they ought every other day of the year, shrouded with disappointment because their significant other did not do it quite the way they were hoping, did not get them quite the sort of chocolates they were expecting, and in some cases, did not care enough to remember. A disgusting February event.
But oh how I do love it.
I look forward to it all through January.
A magical day of absolute romantic exaggeration.
The world needs more of that.
My day began with a delicious home cooked surprise Valentines breakfast from the man, seated neatly at the dining room table, an array of breakfast delights in front of him, presents strewn carefully across the centre of the table. O sweet romantic boy.
He got me a book I've been wanting for a long time from Chapters, and a beautiful, delicate pink rose, just into the stage when a flower begins falling asleep, its petals lightly dusted with the gold of old age, its head beginning to turn toward it's mother earth, its leafy arms no longer outstretched begging for love, but resting, waiting for it. He knows me far too well, what a beautiful flower.
We decided that each and every day was Valentines for us, and that we were so fortunate and so blessed to have one another in our lives, that we wanted to reach out to those who may be having a less than merry time on this Valentines Day. We decided that we didn't need an entire day to ourselves, and that we would give our evening to a greater cause. So we called up a couple of his single friends and had them over for a little Valentines party of our own, because the day is about love, and not just romantic love. It's about love for our families, our children, our friends and neighbours, our teachers, our coworkers, the clerk who asks us if we found everything we were looking for today. And it's the perfect day to remember to show love to those around us in everything we do. So that's what we did.
When they came, I discovered that they had decided exactly the theme of our little party, and that it was to be the opposite of Valentines. Now, when you think what that may be, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Love/Hate. Red/Black. Romance/Ecnamor. Whatever the case may be, I doubt you thought of this one:
Zombies.
Naturally, that's what a couple of single guys think of when they think "the opposite of Valentines." So that's what we did. We played a board game called "Last Night on Earth" where the premise is to kill as many zombies as you can before the sun comes up and the virus spreads to the world. You get to be a character, adorned with particular weapons and abilities, all the while keeping watch on the chart mapping each hour until the sun rises. It actually turned out to be a lot of fun, the game even came with its own soundtrack, adding to the suspense and mood of it all.
We flipped through the pages of "The Zombie Survival Guide" and watched "Shaun of the Dead" and "Quarantine." We also spent some time playing "Dead Rising" on one of the guys' XBOXes. It really turned out to be a lot of fun, and by the end of the evening we were all so zombie'd out that we didn't even get a moment to consider that it was Valentines Day, we were having too much fun in bizarre, incredible fellowship together.
What better way to celebrate a day of love?
Though, I wonder now, if I will forever associate Valentines Day with the flesh eating undead.
Heck, don't we all.
February DIY
I have a weird thing about being able to see the spines of my dvd's, and the thing is this: I don't like it. I don't like being bombarded with an overwhelming array of colours every time I look in the direction of my tv, and I decided I wasn't going to have it anymore. It's bad energy, it's exposure to a stressful element, and I want to simplify. So, I bought a hutch.
A beautiful hutch, dark "espresso" wood, with glass panes. That was the only problem, however. Though they were slightly more hidden, I could still see them menacingly peeking out at me through the glass. Solution? Haha, feels like DIY time in Holly World! (Hollywood?)
The first step, of course, was to find something to put behind the glass. I played with the idea of some gold paper, maybe some tissue paper, something from wood or bamboo perhaps, but nothing really seemed to work, or seemed very reversible in the long run. Then it came to me: fabric! So, I went out and found something really beautiful, for only $5/meter!
So, solved right? No, not quite. Too plain, just didn't seem to really be a show stopper. What else could I do? I decided to paint the glass before putting the fabric on it, to add some real character, some real detail. I went online to find the perfect silhouette, and found something I really thought would bring out the theme I was trying to accomplish: cherry blossoms!
So I delicately painted the image onto the glass, and placed the glass in the empty holes. Then, carefully cut the green fabric and ended up adhering it with double sided tape, which has held up pretty well so far! The final result, I thought, was absolutely breathtaking, and achieved my ultimate goal. I ended up replacing the stress with something soothing. I'm so glad I did it.
A beautiful hutch, dark "espresso" wood, with glass panes. That was the only problem, however. Though they were slightly more hidden, I could still see them menacingly peeking out at me through the glass. Solution? Haha, feels like DIY time in Holly World! (Hollywood?)
The first step, of course, was to find something to put behind the glass. I played with the idea of some gold paper, maybe some tissue paper, something from wood or bamboo perhaps, but nothing really seemed to work, or seemed very reversible in the long run. Then it came to me: fabric! So, I went out and found something really beautiful, for only $5/meter!
So, solved right? No, not quite. Too plain, just didn't seem to really be a show stopper. What else could I do? I decided to paint the glass before putting the fabric on it, to add some real character, some real detail. I went online to find the perfect silhouette, and found something I really thought would bring out the theme I was trying to accomplish: cherry blossoms!
So I delicately painted the image onto the glass, and placed the glass in the empty holes. Then, carefully cut the green fabric and ended up adhering it with double sided tape, which has held up pretty well so far! The final result, I thought, was absolutely breathtaking, and achieved my ultimate goal. I ended up replacing the stress with something soothing. I'm so glad I did it.
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